Small Changes. Big Differences.

Throughout these blog posts, I have written about how to write effective pitches and media alerts. However, I have not yet provided examples of what this looks like in practice. Below are two pitches, a first draft and a final draft, that show how small changes and editing can turn a mediocre pitch into an excellent one.

Here is my first draft:

Local staple, Nicky’s Coal Fired, will introduce a brunch menu this fall, offering a unique Italian take on everyone’s favorite weekend meal. Starting September 22^nd, Nicky’s will serve brunch Saturday and Sunday from 10-2. Their menu will feature both sweet and savory options, from bombollini stuffed with peach jam, to coal-fired sandwich creations with pear, fontina and prosciutto. Of course, no Nicky’s menu would be complete without a plethora of pizza options, so they have included several Nicky’s favorites, as well as a new brunch pizza. There will also be a full rose menu and coffee menu, to help either fuel your boozy brunch or kick-start your Sunday recovery.

I would love to coordinate a piece on Nicky’s new brunch menu and would be happy to set up a time for you to come in and try the new items. Please let me know if you need any additional information or photos. Thank you for considering!

While this was a good start for the pitch, there were a few ways that it could be improved. After going through the editing steps detailed in my previous blog post, I got feedback from my supervisor that helped me make changes to turn a mediocre pitch into an effective one.

Here is my final draft:

Nashville’s Nicky’s Coal Fired will start serving brunch every Sunday from 10AM until 2PM, beginning on October 7^th. Fire up Enrico, Chef Tony Galzin is creating an assortment of coal-fired breakfast sandwiches including combinations such as a vegetable and whipped goat cheese, pear, fontina and prosciutto, and ham, egg and cheese. In addition to the newly launched coal-fired sandwiches, guests can also expect house-made breakfast pizzas. The brunch menu also includes seasonal frittatas, charcuterie and salads.

A selection of house-made stuffed bombollini will be available with Nutella and cinnamon sugar, lemon mascarpone, and peach jam fillings. A large variety of Barista Parlor coffee and espresso drinks along with a selection of classic brunch cocktails including bellinis, mimosas, and a signature rose cocktail comprise the drink menu.

We’d love for you to share the news with your readers! Please let me know when you’re available to come dine with a guest. I’m happy to send over the full menu and provide you with additional information. Thank you!

While this pitch may be longer than my original one, it provides more important information about the brunch that an editor could share with their readers and they would not need to circle back to me or the client to find out more info. Additionally, the first sentence of the pitch gets right into what we want to share with the editor – the fact that one of our clients is starting to serve brunch on a certain date. Lastly, this pitch also invites the editors in to try the brunch, so that they may write about the brunch from a first-hand experience.

Over the course of my internship, I was able to edit and improve many pitches through this process and it has immensely helped me become an effective communications writer!